The hierarchy of love
I would like to say that I didn’t see it coming, but I would be pretending… perhaps, having answered one of the numerous emails I get as my previous blog post wasn’t the smartest idea, given that today I had 120 emails either asking me a question or commenting on my answer — time is a rare commodity for me nowadays. But what really intrigues me and makes me feel humbled is the vulnerability in which people write seeking advice, letting me know about their lives and ultimately, trusting what I might have to say given that I am no epitome of perfection — I thank you all for the trust.
DISCLAIMER — I am not a psychologist, nor I claim to have the knowledge or the answers to everything. I am just someone with life experience, good intentions, love for writing and an extreme sense of justice, as well as loving high heel shoes and reading Alain de Boton.
Today’s question: Dear maidenstomothers, I read your Vintage Love post about how you came to be with your husband, and I could see myself in what you wrote. I didn’t have the same luck as you, as my previous relationship ended, but I find myself still looking for that ‘all encompassing, lightning struck’ kind of love I once had, while knowing that the person that has loved me all this time is the one I haven’t given a chance to. Am I wasting my time looking for an illusion? Should I give this person a go? Thank you.
I was thinking about how best to answer your question, when I remembered the episode of Ted Lasso where Keeley is being very polite about Rebecca’s new guy and Roy (as per usual) is definitely not, and he says: He’s fine, that’s it. Nothing wrong with that. Most people are fine. But it’s not about him. It’s about why the fuck you think he deserves you. You deserve someone who makes you feel like you’ve been struck by fucking lightning. Don’t you dare settle for fine.”
It’s cliché, it’s powerful and it’s beautiful all at the same time (Hollywood style), but I want to answer your question by talking about that for a bit. I feel we get this message a lot, that there is this hierarchy of love where the rarest, best and most precious kind of love is the lightning strike type of love, where any other kind of love is by definition, settling down for less than. I get it, I’ve been lucky enough to have been lightning-struck with its full-bodied, intoxicating madness that that kind of love puts you through, and it’s very special. I am very grateful to have crossed paths with that in my life, but lightning occasionally burns down your fucking house along with everything you love and treasure in it.
I just want to explore this idea of hierarchy of love for a minute… I think it’s very much like painting romantic love as the highest form of love, when in reality the most intimate relationships in people’s lives are not with their spouses nor their lovers; they’re with their friends, their siblings, their chosen partners. But because romantic love is at the top of the hierarchy, by definition, the rest are labelled as less than. Also, the same harm gets done when we paint the highest form of romantic love as the lightning-strike kind of love, as it’s not necessarily the best kind of love, nor the kindest and it’s just one kind of love amongst many others. It implies that those of us who’s chosen partners for reasons other than lightning strikes are settling for lesser love. However, after my house burned down due to the lightning strike, I began to value other things. I realised that what I wanted for me from that point forward was this “comforting light summer rain” with the build up of a rainbow. It’s like a warm rain in a cosy sunny summer’s day, and when I am sitting in my backyard/living room cuddling my people, I am certain that the most important thing is within my arm’s reach. I didn’t decide to settle, I decided to give myself the kind of life/love that allows for constant cosiness, comfort, the embracing of who I really am without judgement, and the warm light summer rain for myself and my kids (forever).
I feel it’s important to talk about it, because no one talks about it unless you’ve been struck by lightning, because otherwise you’re deemed to be missing/lacking something. However, if we say it out loud, everyone assumes that our love is lesser than. What I want to say to you is that no love is settling for less, the love you chose is just as good and can be made as magical as any other kind, and perhaps more so, because you’re not constantly walking around with a fire extinguished in hand waiting for the house to burn down — you can enjoy, marvel and surrender to it. Our cultural obsession with love as pain gives into this idea that love is only real when it hurts, instead of considering love as comfort, closeness and cosiness, because we’ve been indoctrinated to think that unless we get struck by lightning it’s not real love — lightning is deadly people!
Having chosen the kind of love, companionship and support that allows you to be yourself fully without the constant fear of whether or not the house is going to burn down, is worth more than the Earth’s weight in gold. If you can see yourself with this person you talk about, if the idea of giving it a go sparks joy and desire, don’t let this idea of ‘lightning strike love’ preventing you from being happy.
