Happiness if your birthright

I don’t usually allow comments on my blog page, I’ve seen how toxic it can become. Also, to be really honest, I don’t have the time to respond to every single comment and knowing myself, I would agonise about being unable to reply to everyone. In my opinion, it’s an easy exchange: I write a blog post, those interested in reading what I write are welcome to subscribe and everyone is happy! For those that don’t like what I write and/or have a different opinion to mine and feel compelled to “educate me” on their worldly view, let me tell you… you’re wasting your time and shouldn’t be subscribing to my blog — I sure don’t go around looking for “content I don’t agree with” to comment on in a quest for virtue signalling.

However, I do get quite a lot of private emails to which I read and respond when I have the time and the right frame of mind to make my replies “kind and intentional”. Today however, I decided to respond to one of the emails I received last week and use the question asked as the basis of my new blog post, as I believe it could be beneficial to someone out there in the same situation.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a psychologist, nor I claim to have the knowledge or the answers to everything. I am just someone with life experience, good intentions, love for writing and an extreme sense of justice, as well as loving Devil Mojitos e chocolate!

Hi Maidenstomothers,

I love reading your blog, it’s very relatable — thank you for writing with such grace. I felt compelled to write in and ask you a question, as I feel you have enough life experience and good judgement (from what I can gather from reading your posts). I didn’t want to write it in the blog comments, hence the private email. I am confused, I am struggling with the decision of leaving my partner or not? We’ve been together since I was 18 and I am 29 now. He’s 10 years older than me and we have a 3-year-old daughter together. We just bought a house together too, but I find myself wishing and dreaming about having my own space, raising my daughter by myself while co-parenting with him. I haven’t been happy for a while now, and even though he’s a good father and loves his daughter there are a lot of what “raising a family” entails that he’s not interested in, for example: He doesn’t do dirty nappies, on Fridays he doesn’t put our daughter to bed because he meets the boys at the pub, he hasn’t been all that available to me ever since our daughter was born. Even though he’s a good guy and a good father, I don’t feel excited anymore. Is it ever ok to leave a relationship when “nothing” wrong has happened?

Dear “Stuck in the mud”,

Firstly, let me say that you were brave to a) write in about such personal circumstances and b) trust me enough to ask the question in the first place given that you only know me from my writing — I feel honoured and humbled by such trust. My answer to you is… YES, it’s ok to leave a relationship even when “nothing wrong” has happened! If you’re unhappy that in itself is a good enough reason to leave, to break up. What is more important than one’s own happiness? If you’re not happy it will cascade down to your daughter in how you behave in the world, in how you parent, in how you show her what’s acceptable or not. Let me ask you this, if your daughter was in your situation would you expect her to stay unhappy? and if the answer is NO, why is it acceptable for you to stay unhappy? Unconsciously, you would be teaching your daughter to not pay attention to her inner knowledge, to how she feels, to ignoring something that is her birthright — happiness!

Also, as a society we need to move away from seeing parenting (specially motherhood) as a consequence of romantic love. We need to divest motherhood from romantic pursuit. If people feel they want to have children out of wedlock, in a co-parenting scenario, as a single parent, through sperm donation for that matter… it’s ok. This idea that we all need to have the Cinderella experience prior to having children is fraught in some many levels. I certainly don’t see our male counterparts having the same expectations put on them, nor they need a reason to leave a relationship either — how many times have I heard “I wasn’t happy, it wasn’t working for me anymore”. It’s not our job to bubble wrap our partners’ emotions to the detriment of our own, no “himpathy” please. Yes, it will suck for a while and both of you will feel hurt, but relationships are complicated, and people change, especially given that when you got together with your partner you were an adolescent and he (potentially) had the maturity you’ve now reached — maybe you need to be on your own to discover the person you’re as a grown-up mature woman with all the options you didn’t have as an 18-year-old girl.

Even saying, “but he’s a good guy and good father” is the same as saying to someone “at least he doesn’t hit you”. I am not passing any judgement here, but what kind of logic is that? How low is the bar you have for yourself? Yes, of course you deserve someone that is much more than a good guy and a good father, you deserve an amazing guy, a wonderful father and much more, otherwise what’s the point in the first place? No one, regardless of their gender, identity, sexuality so on and so forth, should settle for less than what they deserve, desire, and expect for their life. If you find yourself wishing and dreaming about having your own space, feeling excited about the idea of having your own things without compromise, it’s because you’ve already made up your mind, you’re just seeking permission.

As women we don’t need permission for anything anymore (it’s no longer the 50s), but we’ve been indoctrinated to feel guilty unless we’re putting everyone else’s wellbeing ahead of our own. Also, unless you’ve put a gun to his head in order to conceive your daughter, he’s also 50% of that commitment and saying “no to dirty nappies” is not an option pall. Tell me, do you have the same freedom to go to the pub or somewhere else on a weeknight/weekend while he puts his daughter to bed? If not, no wonder you feel like being on your own is a better proposition. You would be amazed at how many women tell me that when it comes to time off from the children, they don’t have the same support their male partners feel entitled to.

Obviously, I am in a different situation as I’ve been married for 20 years, and even though my husband has always been hands-on and supportive, he also travelled overseas for work for 13 years and I found myself raising my kids on my own a lot of time. I too, at times felt like it was better to be by myself, it hasn’t always been “a bed of roses”, but I’ve always knew what I was prepared to accept, put-up with and I made my expectations very clear from the very beginning — something I’ve never been is scared to be on my own. However, I always made very clear where my line in the sand was, as no amount of love makes up for the lack of support, interest and the unhappiness one might feel in times like the one you’re experiencing . It’s important to keep top of mind your financial situation should you decide to leave your relationship, which means assessing your current circumstances and working out with your partner the best way possible forward — I don’t endorse staying for fear of struggling financially, as a prison covered in gold is still a prison! Also, amicable agreements ensure that the money stays between the two of you, as opposed to going to the lawyers.

So, if in asking me whether you should stay or leave your partner you needed permission to do so — I give you permission to leave! Jokes apart, I think you’ve already answered that question in your mind as your heart is already dreaming of your own place with your daughter. I am sure you’ve ran this story a million times in your head, specially at night when lying in bed wondering whether it’s really the right thing to do. You’re the only one able to answer that question, but I encourage you to speak to a counsellor or someone you trust within your safety network in order to get emotional support whichever way you decide to go.

Best of luck and I wish you all the happiness you’re craving.

Happiness is the gap between present situation and your desire.